rearviewmirror (rearviewmirror) wrote,

puzzle box

i pause to utilize this journal at times.

there's a part of me that wishes to use this like a memory box, where i can throw the good and the bad inside and sift through it at some later point.

i've always thought of it that way.

but i've had this thing for years and never looked back once.


and i'm okay with that. there's a part of me that wishes to fill this journal with mindless drivel of the day to day going's on of my life. but that doesn't matter.

do you really care how some random individual chose to interact with me? should you choose to place yourself in my situation when i exclaim 'how could this happen to me'?

certainly i don’t care to think about it anymore than in the moment it happens and to let it pass.

perhaps that's why i don't back.

because i am satisfied with life as it is, all that happened to culminate in this moment, this now.

yet there are times when i see something from back then and it causes a warm sensation in my gut and hairs to stand on end as i remember the past with me as i am now, transplanted into it.

there are days i wish i'd have done something different. not regrets. i can only choose based on what i know, and to look back and yearn for alternate outcomes is foolish. though there are days i wonder how i would be if i had done something different.

perhaps not said something, or perhaps said something at all.

for instance. there's a part of me that wishes i didn't go to cook. so that i could have experienced other things. not that my experiences at cook were not fantastic. i just wish i could see how i would be right now, if i had chosen another path or two.

its about my love for alternate endings. there's something that makes each of them so beautiful. and while a story as it is told is complete from its beginning to end, it is yet unfinished for there were always choices one could have made differently to effect an outcome.

i wish i could see my alternate endings.

my "parallel universes".

see my doppelgangers.

just for curiosity’s sake.
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That was... I hear your words so well.

I sometimes wonder the same things. If I had gone to Texas for the scholarship, didn't get involved with certain activities or people, etc.

The last part of your entry reminded me of those D&D stories where you would choose a path and see what ending you ended up with.
you know what disappoints me is that all those other possibilities will never be known. it's not that i'd want to live them out, just to see what other crazy situations of a daily life i could have.

suppose i'll never know but always dream.
i like when you write.

i was thinking about alternate endings this weekend. in particular "if i hadnt gone on that last run, i wouldnt have broken my wrist"

id prob want to write more if it didnt hurt. oh well.

i just wonder sometimes. could i be that homeless guy over there on the subway? what would i have to do to get there? what kind of life is that...

or even when in kindergarten you get told "you can be anything you want to be"... but i doubt anyone decides that they want to work at shopright till they're 65 and retire. so what makes that happen? do they not want to change? or are they happy doing it? if my situation was the same, would i do it to?

and the part that gets me the most is that i can only dream up those situations. the good fantasies and the bad. i will never know what its like to live them out.

that's why i sometimes wish for eternity.

not that i will not live this life out fully, but that i wish to live out other lives as well.