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Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Time:1:53 am.
i miss her. i want to visit.

as is always the case.... i think about the past. i think about better times. time that always seemed easier to deal with in the past, never the present. ah well, here's to the day after tomorrow....
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Friday, February 10th, 2006

Subject:puzzle box
Time:2:45 am.
i pause to utilize this journal at times.

there's a part of me that wishes to use this like a memory box, where i can throw the good and the bad inside and sift through it at some later point.

i've always thought of it that way.

but i've had this thing for years and never looked back once.


and i'm okay with that. there's a part of me that wishes to fill this journal with mindless drivel of the day to day going's on of my life. but that doesn't matter.

do you really care how some random individual chose to interact with me? should you choose to place yourself in my situation when i exclaim 'how could this happen to me'?

certainly i don’t care to think about it anymore than in the moment it happens and to let it pass.

perhaps that's why i don't back.

because i am satisfied with life as it is, all that happened to culminate in this moment, this now.

yet there are times when i see something from back then and it causes a warm sensation in my gut and hairs to stand on end as i remember the past with me as i am now, transplanted into it.

there are days i wish i'd have done something different. not regrets. i can only choose based on what i know, and to look back and yearn for alternate outcomes is foolish. though there are days i wonder how i would be if i had done something different.

perhaps not said something, or perhaps said something at all.

for instance. there's a part of me that wishes i didn't go to cook. so that i could have experienced other things. not that my experiences at cook were not fantastic. i just wish i could see how i would be right now, if i had chosen another path or two.

its about my love for alternate endings. there's something that makes each of them so beautiful. and while a story as it is told is complete from its beginning to end, it is yet unfinished for there were always choices one could have made differently to effect an outcome.

i wish i could see my alternate endings.

my "parallel universes".

see my doppelgangers.

just for curiosity’s sake.
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Monday, December 19th, 2005

Time:10:25 pm.
my idea for a study break: watch king kong ... cause its only over 3 hours long.
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Time:2:56 pm.
statistics exam and a transit strike in new york.

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Time:1:20 am.
3 exams + 2 papers = fuck me 'till friday
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Tuesday, November 1st, 2005

Time:3:05 am.
its so peaceful here. its so quiet.

the smell of wood burning, the crisp wind.

that crunching sound my feet make as i shuffle through fallen leaves.

and ive been on a friday the 13th and nightmare on elm street kick....

a bad one.

the kind where i have to watch sequel after sequel in order. and how i'm on part 3 for freddy and 5 for jason. i dunno. i get in those moods sometimes. i'm especially bad when its around exam time (which it is). i'm notorious for this shit. all semester long i'll piddle around, but nothing too serious, but give me an exam, and man, i'll find 30 hours of cult horror movies to watch instead.

like fuckin' clockwork.
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Friday, October 21st, 2005

Time:6:03 am.
i've pulled this card before. i smirk at the irony. about all the memories this card brings.

about what's been bugging me for a while now. and here it is. this deck continues to make me wonder sometimes.

from mage: the ascension's tarot.

three of dynamism (reversed)

meaning: sorrow

reversed: compromise, disorder, confusion, delay

severed from all save the anchoring rope of dynamic flux, the abused consciousness sufferes threefold agonies of its loss of connection to spirit, mind, and body. limited by its ruptured viewpoint, the dangling awareness can focus only on its past sorrows and future upheavals.
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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005

Time:10:23 pm.
holy crap.

i owe the electric company a whopping $13.63 for the first month.

that's incredible.
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Time:2:57 am.
so both my exams this week are allowed a cheat sheet. that's fantastic.

so while im taking the exam i can also rupture my cornea cause im straining to read a times new roman font size of 3.5

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Sunday, October 16th, 2005

Time:12:35 am.
i'm rather glad about living as close to a train station as i do.

it makes up for the fact that my car is definitely "on the way out"

more so than usual, i must say.

i mean, it's been that way for the greater part of the past 3 years, but i think this time its finally in that put-up-or-shut-up phase.

i've enjoyed driving it into the ground. and its enjoyed teasing me with brief moments of happiness and fluidity amidst miles of torment. every time i'm about to take a shovel to the headlights, ice pick to the tires, and sugar to the tank, it works. arguably, the best in a while. so i hide the shovel, and the pick, and sugar, and save them for days like these. for i know they will come. they always do.

i could always get a bike, and drive up and down the highway like the mexicans in new brunswick do.

cause that's not gay.
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Friday, October 14th, 2005

Time:10:32 pm.

24 september - 23 october

special ability to weigh and reason matters,
needing ballance and cooperation in relationships.

idealistic and peaceable.

ruled by venus.

element - air
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Thursday, October 13th, 2005

Subject:katrina relief via your cell phone ... now with added anitioxidants!
Time:1:17 am.
i was looking at my wallpaper options on my cellphone, and came across ones entitled

"katrina relief"

with the disclaimer:

"proceeds derived from the sale of hurricane katrina wallpaper will be donated to hurricane katrina charities"

i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.

thats horrible. what a horrible idea.

who comes up with this stuff? moreover, who buys it?

geez. isn't there a saying there's a sucker born every minute? apparently, there's a market for them at wallpaper universe. and probably a few other places.

one of the interesting things about public health school is that you have an interesting viewpoint about these sorts of things. its at a level that is removed slightly from ground zero, but with statistical and epidemiological data that makes us more knowledgeable than the media and the average consumer at the mercy thereof. the people here in ny are in a unique place. sars, anthrax, west nile, trade center events, smoking bands, and a host of other issues have placed the city in unique position for "forced" participation in local/national/international public health arenas.

there are a number of views and issue that can be addressed and argued about the incidents that happened down there. and they all have been. some ad nauseam and with others, it will never be enough.

but buying cellphone wallpaper for $1.99 is not the way to show support.
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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005

Time:3:25 am.
so this whole commute thing kinda.. well.. blows.

i mean, its not really the time that bugs me. i have books and other crap like ipods and whatnot to read/entertain me. its more the other people ... those "commuters" that kinda make me itch.

its the 5 spanish kids, the 2 in the stroller, 1 in the belly, and two boys that scream and race up and down the aisle.

its the 55 year old balding guy with the cheap deodorant, briefcase, laptop, pda, blackberry, and a 24 oz coffee that gets on the train and sits next to you.

its the bum that for some reason, though a homeless shelter is 2 blocks away, asks you for food.

its the anywhere from 2 to 4 females that ask you for money cause they all seemingly went on a trip and dont have money for a return ticket cause they got robbed.

its the guy with the comb-over who asks you if its alright to sit next to you, and when you said "no", causes a fuss and tells you that he doesn't see your name on the seat.

its how that young girl in the business suit thinks that her heels allow her the divine right to speak intelligently about office matters at an abnormally loud volume to on the cell phone.

its how EVERYONE has a bag with wheels, and how they all must attempt to wheel it everywhere, up and over any obstacle no matter what the cost. and when it flips over, to still attempt to drag it, as if it were chum behind their proverbial boat.

its how people consume more food in the two minutes walking from one end of the station to the other than they do with their families at the dinner table.

and then there's the subway.

and then there's the fact that im white.

and decently put together, most of the time.

and how people dont look.... they leer.

every time you rummage in your bag, they're there rummaging right along with you. how the book you're reading becomes the book they begin to read. how every time you bring something out of your bag, 60 percent of those around you feel the need to look at what it is. how every time you shift someone thinks you have something to hide. how every time you cough, they think you have SARS. how every time someone plays music, or sings a song it warrants change from your pocket.

how everyone just seems to mind your business. thats what gets me.
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Sunday, September 25th, 2005

Subject:corpse bride holds more meaning than nightmare... and how tim burton is my father...
Time:11:45 pm.
so i saw corpse bride the other day...

its wonderful. absolutely wonderful.

though i must say, ironically, its more of a symbolic representation of my life than nightmare before christmas was.

as some of you may recall, i recently parted with someone who also thought that nightmare before christmas was her story as well, and that the parallels were so blatant and meaningful and applicable to both our lives that one had to just see the movie to realize just how much the movie encapsulated our relationship.

that i was jack, and she was sally.

and that somehow, over the course of the plot of our own lives, that what was resolved in an hour and a half on film was resolved in a tad bit longer in our own.

and that our relationship was truly meant to be.

well. we know how that one ends. not quite according to the predestined script.

however, what i must say about corpse bride is its own message, familiar yet quite its own story from nightmare, now holds a very dear place in my heart.

what i especially like is the different way this story went in the end. how in fact, depending on who you are relating to in the story, it is both a love story and a tragedy. how it is all in the eyes of the viewer, how the story eventually works out for the trio.

and i couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it all.

from the corpse bride's taking of victor back underground when confronted with another woman, to the black widow and the worm being proponents of their relationship .. egging her on and telling her that her talents and skills will woo him into submission and that despite her doubts, that they'd make a "cute couple". to victor wanting to exist, without the turmoil in his heart, just to run, run as far away as he can from the corpse bride and back to where he belongs. and yet, she pursues him. doesn't trust him, and rips him away from the true woman he loves. the symbolism goes on and on.

it ends fairly similar too. at the end, when the corpse bride walks away, she mentions that victor has set her free. and that's what i did. set her free. i voiced my opinion, how i felt, and it was ill received. so i decided it would be easiest if i turned into what she thought i was all along. it would make me easier to hate. and through that measure, she could be free. free of love for me. so that she could carry on with her life and forever remember me as the one whom is not worth it. not worth it to love.

with that, she would never doubt how she felt. never feel it was her fault. never realize that this was why i did what i did. and for that reason, and that reason alone, there exist two endings to the same tragic tale.

i suppose "some things were just never meant to be".
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Friday, August 19th, 2005

Time:3:21 am.
i've made a nest for myself... full of black sheets and a blood red duvet cover.

it is so hot.

oh my god.

if i knew money bought happiness, i would've chosen this a long time ago. so i didn't have to go through years of torment for my reward.

tho, that is what it seems like. torment.

i still don't understand how anyone can listen to the whole story and consider only one individual wicked or evil.

no no, this was a fairy tale that had two villains and neither was the better.

but i bet that part only comes in the cliff notes and as of yet is still open to interpretation.
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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

Time:11:37 pm.
loosing weight is awesome!

and all my american eagle sweaters are so scratchy...
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Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

Time:11:39 pm.
i just found one of my old fav shirts... its white and it says "hippie killer" on the front.

awwww. ive missed this tee.
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Monday, August 8th, 2005

Time:2:04 am.
tomorrow is a day of hate.

i haven't had one in a long time. i salivate at the bludgeoning i shall bestow upon my enemies.

i battle with a ivy league university. they shall know that i sent my forms to the aforementioned address. and they should have signed for them. for then they would not have to face me hand-delivering the very same package. i will shove aforementioned forms from aforementioned address into their aforementioned asses.

and i shall do battle with my credit agency, which still thinks i'm my father and refuses to remove his blunders from my credit report. i will also remind them that they also placed (which has also yet to be removed) an account on my report that pertains to american express in 1994. there's just one problem... since i was born in 1980, this would mean i had this card when i was 14 years old.... which is wrong on so many levels. they assured me that they took care of this. apparently they didn't.

they will tomorrow. cause i'm not playing nice anymore.

i'm tired of my father and i being confused. esp. since he cant handle his money and it affects me.

i do battle with an apartment complex which requires a credit report. should they even raise and eyebrow, i'm prepared to write them a check for the whole year. just to shut them up and have a place to stay.

i do battle with the post office which has the most inconvenient hours known to man. or at least myself.


so i'm really really really really happy with my girl.

she's amazing, and it's wonderful.

and it makes all the hostility in this house dissipate. i'm so thankful for that.

it gets to be old hat after awhile. its trite. and i'm glad i'll be rid of it in a month.

you can only be a loner for so long. until there comes a time when its right to give up-lonerdom. i'm at that stage. i'm tired of it. people are retarded for doing it for extended periods of time without change. change makes for something. whether better or worse, change makes for something. and that's all i needed to test it out. and i'm glad i did.
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Friday, August 5th, 2005

Subject:this summarizes my current sad sad living situation...
Time:11:03 pm.
i thought i was done quoting songs.

but here's another one, for my new fav band:

bowling for soups' sad sad situation....

"Alright, this is sad sad situation
One, two, three

Hitched a ride, I was so messed up
But I sure was glad to meet ya
You took my heart like they towed my car
And they're both still broken down
But while it looked pretty good on paper
And I come to find out later
That you're insane

Turn me off
I've had enough
I'm better off without anyone
I was wrong
Maybe you should stay
Away (Away)

You came to stay cause they were painting your house
And you're still here six months later
You spent my money on God know's what
But it sure did cost a lot

Well it's a sad sad situation
Now I need a Goddamn vacation
Cause you're insane

Turn me off
I've had enough
I'm better off without anyone
I was wrong
Maybe you should stay
Away (Away)

I'm self-absorbed (He's self-absorbed)
And shallow too (He's shallow too)
And all I wanted was to
Sleep with you (Oh)

A basket case
With a pretty face
And I can't take this shit no more

Turn me off
I've had enough
I'm better off without anyone
I was wrong
Maybe you should stay

Turn me off
I've had enough
I'm better off without anyone
I was wrong
Maybe you should stay
Away (Away)
Away (Away)
Away (Away)
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Time:10:19 pm.
today was my last day of work. im kinda emotional right now.

when your job involves people living and dying, you grow really close with your co-workers. you're a family. and now i'm leaving my family for the past 5 years. and i will miss that.

im getting all sentimental.

i hate this.

im leaving, but not out of hate, out of a bad situation or anything. just cause i have to do what i have to do. which is get in a us med school. and i'm about to fight like hell.

its just so sad to leave "home". my hospital. my family.

they have seen me in every emotion, and never left. they have witnessed life, cancer, and death and stood by my side trying to help.

when your job is as depressing as mine, i mean, i never see these people get better, i dont seen them walk out of the hospital. i only see them when they're shitty or dying and watch them coast on through... when its as depressing as this, those there with you are the only ones who can know how you feel.

this isn't being some sales girl and saying that i miss everyone. for christ sake, what do you sell? furniture? i sell life and death. and i sell it with some of the best people on the planet.

and im glad to call them family. im glad to call them home.

they have accepted me, and i am forever greatful. everyone said if i ever needed anything, i should give them a ring. that means alot. they care more for me than most. that touches me.

its a relationship that is forged out of trust while those around you are dying is a bond that is never broken.

i apppreciate everything. they have taught me more than they will ever know.
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